Much like Chris, Matt, Nathan, Paw, Winnie, and many people with a personal website, I enjoy the act of reflecting on the year gone by in public. I was in the hospital until New Year’s Eve, so I’m a little late.

A stream of consciousness of 2024

Photos with no filter, HTML energy, old-fashioned tea pots, things feel too full, how much should I carry, liminal space as a sound, where should I work if I can’t do it from home, Bishop Mark is nice, YouTube without the ads, cooking is not my hobby, biking fast and slow, where do I find unknown music, saying yes too much, Royel Otis, places feel like Berlin, being around Black people, to be the middle child somehow still, easy recovery becomes hard, nurses are good, lofi beats, schlager.

What has made me feel most alive

In the brightly-colored Algarve, too hot for my taste in September but beautiful nonetheless, I spent a week with family and myself. Slightly bored during the day because of the temperatures, I took myself on a sunset cruise along the coastline. Farther out into the water, with the engines and silly party boat music off, the quietude of the ocean was breath-taking. Alive I felt looking at a dolphin up close without wanting to take a photograph of it.

A new habit

As part of my eating disorder recovery finding my way back to the gym has been on my bucket list for a while now. Frankly, I had never been able to develop a sustainable, healthy way of working out without relapsing into restrictive and unhealthy behaviors.

In 2024, though, I’ve been able to reach a new level of recovery. Training (my emotional stamina) since Easter, I’ve been able to develop an energizing, mindful practice that has made me so much stronger and confident. Getting back to the gym is in my top three of things I’m excited to do once my ankle allows it again.

A thank you note

Thank you, M., the technical nurse who administered my first cassette of portable antibiotics. When Anja and I came home distraught and stressed after a chaotic discharge from the hospital, you saw what we needed, which was a friendly face and someone who made us feel at ease about a disquieting new reality.

When I learned today that my last dose of intravenous antibiotics ends tomorrow and not January 17, I was disappointed that I won’t get to see you again.

A question I’ve begun asking myself

“What’s slower than this?” Learning, in all sorts of ways, that I tend to speed through my experiences with too much ease, I’m learning to see the benefit of taking things more slowly than I normally would. “What’s slower than what I want this to be?” “What is slower than how fast I think I need to complete this?” “What’s less than this?”

My favorites of 2024

• Song: “Les ferrofluides-fleurs” by Klô Pelgag was one of those “hit you in the chest” kind of miracles I discovered in the summer. A song that, upon listening to it for the first time, became an immediate favorite. It would’ve been my top song of the year had it not been for that embarrassing pop song that didn’t make it to the top 20 of Eurovision.
• Album: Atlas by Karlijn Langendijk, a delicious instrumental record filled with beautiful, sultry sounds. I want “The Golden Hour” to swallow me whole.
• Film: The Zone of Interest is etched in my memory as the most effective nazi movie, perfectly on par with my favorite Holocaust film, Son of Saul. I saw it thrice in a month. I’m embarrassed to be so late to the Sandra Hüller fan club.
• TV show: Despite my original hesitation, I loved the second season of The White Lotus. In particular, I thoroughly enjoyed the acting of Jennifer Coolidge and Haley Lu Richardson, as well as that SNL skit.

In 2025…

• I want to walk and run on two healthy feet again
• I want to do a pull-up
• I want to make it to Paris
• I want to break my paycheck-to-paycheck cycle with YNAB (referral link)
• I want to learn to smoothly read sheet music again